With Thanksgiving almost here, I decided to make a list of six cinematic turkeys/box-office bombs that were ill-received when they were released, but still captured some fun sentiment in the heart of this movie fanatic.
1. Toys (1992)
I really do not understand why this movie got so much negativity. Sure, the plot is thinner than a bulimic/coked-up Paris Hilton, and the script is as invisible as Adam Sandler's humor (sorry, had to), but with an amazingly subdued Robin Williams, magical cinematography and art direction, cool gadgets that any kid would love, and a catchy pop-synth Hans Zimmer soundtrack (including Tori Amos), this has become one of my favorite holiday movies. I saw it in the theater the day it opened and loved it. It's not a masterpiece or a great addition to cinema, and it pretty much falls apart in the third act, but it IS great fun to watch, even if the "Sea-Swine" at the end was a last ditch attempt at well...something.
2. Hudson Hawk (1991)
This has become the epitome of the box-office disaster. Any list you read of bad movies, this will probably be on it. And yes, I will say..this IS a bad movie, but it's also an ENTERTAINING one. And let me tell you, sometimes that's all you need. If you watch this movie and early on you realize, "Wow, this is....awful.", but as the movie goes on you find yourself laughing, quoting lines from it, and when you reach the end you are stymied to realize that you just sat through a real stinkbomb and that you STILL enjoyed it? Folks, that's just the magic of cinema. I have to thank my friend Eddie (check out his movie blog) for introducing me to this, it's top notch entertaining cheese to the 1000th degree. And where else will you find Bruce Willis and Danny Aiello SINGING "Side By Side" as they try to save the world? Pure genius.
Rotten Tomatoes Grade: 20%
FUMoR's Grade: B
3. The Happening (2008)
All right, so here's where the movie geek in me comes pouring out. This film was really never made for a mainstream audience. Even if you did like The Sixth Sense (which was a movie that was vastly overrated anyway and wasn't The Second Coming of film that everyone said it was), Haley Joel Osment's whispery voice was as annoying as Quint scratching his fingers on the chalkboard in Jaws. M. Night Shyamalan said before this film was released that it was meant to be seen as an old B-movie. It was a throwback to the cheesy 60's films of lore recalling the works of Roger Corman and the great Bert I. Gordon. So you got campy, infantile dialogue and Mark Wahlberg talking to a house plant. So what? In my opinion, it's Shyamalan's second best movie, after Signs. There, I said it, and I'm proud!
Rotten Tomatoes Grade: 18%
FUMoR's Grade: A -
4. Slugs (1989)
This is a pure guilty pleasure. I re-discovered this through a friend of mine, and it's become one of my favorite bad movies of all time. Look! All the corpses (male and female) wear the same grey-haired wig! Wow! An actor says a line before he's supposed to! What? Half the cast didn't speak English so their voices had to be dubbed! Awesome! You CAN make a paper-mache finger to scale and it STILL looks stupid! And who knew that a simple front-yard garden can immediately take your mind off two deceased nice people that you liked a lot? And where else can you hear the immortal line: "You ain't got the authority to declare HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Not in this town!"
Even scarier than the movie itself is the fact that this dreck was based off of an actual NOVEL.
Rotten Tomatoes Grade: 0%
FUMoR's Grade: B
5. Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol (1987)
Let's be clear: All the Police Academy sequels are awful. Really awful. The acting is bad, the scripts are bad, even throwing Bobcat Goldthwait into the cast doesn't make them any better. Hell, Steve Guttenberg didn't even stick around for Part 5. However, the fun of watching them throughout the 80's plants a giddy amount of happiness into this reviewer. It's nostalgia, pure and simple. I can't even begin to fathom saying to a fellow movie buff: "You know, if you haven't seen any of the Police Academy movies, then you're missing out on cinematic greatness!" But there's something about these films that still make them fun all these years later, and #4 in particular always seems to be my favorite. Maybe it's because it was directed by Jim Drake, who directed many episodes of Night Court, maybe it's the pseudo-rap title tune performed by Michael Winslow ("So ya call the cops, they won't do no good, cuz they won't even come through this neighborhood!"), or the catchy P.A. theme that I'll be whistling all day after the movie's over.....
Or maybe I'm just plain crazy.
Rotten Tomatoes Grade: 0%
FUMoR's Grade: B
6. Very Bad Things (1998)
Yeah, I know. The puns are endless. "Very bad acting!", "Very bad script!", "Very bad movie!"....the list goes on and on. Well, I liked this movie a lot, thank you very much. It didn't make a dime, and was in and out of theater before you could get in your car to drive to go to see it. The premise involves an out-of-control bachelor party in Vegas, and lots of Christian Slater mugging for the camera (Jim Halpert must've learned from him). Everything that happens in this movie is so utterly bizarre, and the entire ensemble cast which includes Cameron Diaz, Slater, Jeremy Piven, and the director of Iron Man (speaking of BAD movies) overacts to the nth degree, but to quote a fellow fan of this film: "I like comedy so dark it scares you." Couldn't have said it better myself.
Rotten Tomatoes Grade: 44%
FUMoR's Grade: A -
That's all. I'm done. Pass the stuffing and mashed potatoes.....
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